Little victories

By 8am I was already contemplating how to run away and hide. It was a rough morning and typically a rough start just rolls into a very rough day. I was upset and I wanted to keep a child of mine in his room until he graduates from College. Yeah, it really was one of those mornings. I was so frustrated that I fell into his trap that goes straight to crazy town once again. So instead of allowing my head to explode all over and make a mess all over the walls and floors. Because who wants to clean that up? I went out for a swim alone, I swam until my arms nearly fell off and all my energy went into that instead of something that would have lead to nothing but more stress. I then went in and brought him in to me, perhaps if I am being honest closer than I wanted to at that moment. I held him and told him he can push, hit, and scream but this mama isn’t going anywhere. His faced showed he didn’t like to hear that, but I know his heart needed to hear it. Even when he pushes every dang button I have and most of these buttons I didn’t even know existed until his trauma hit me head in. He stretches me and pulls me to a point where somedays I feel like I am going to break. Thank goodness for friends, family and most importantly God who have really good shoulders, even when they might not all fully understand it. The severe complex trauma life is a completely different world. But somehow they are there at just the right moments and I am so thankful for it.
Did I win? No. But I didn’t fully lose the battle either, because I pulled him closer and held him when his primal instinct says to run and fight. It’s not easy, in fact it’s the opposite, times a million not easy. To write about it all, super easy, to live through it, freaking hard as hell. But folks, choosing love even when it’s the last thing on earth you want to chose will always produce a seed, even if only a tiny seed that you can’t see today. Those seeds, one day will grow and produce something more. So here is me praying for many more days of planting seeds of love and watching them bloom one day. If you are also in a really tough season, I want to pray for you. Because knowing that you have someone that is praying for this season of your life to pass or the ability to walk through it all still standing is something we ALL need.

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