….no mountain unturned


Would we still say yes to being our little boy’s parents knowing all that was in store for our family?  
Goodness that is such a loaded question. One I have sat and thought about, on some really hard days. On one hand, if I never met him I would never have fallen in love with him. So maybe not saying yes might have been much easier at the time. On the other hand, if I never met him, I would never have been able to love him and that is equally as devastating to think about. But I did meet him and I did fall completely in love in love with him. So here we are and this much I know, I will never regret loving him but loving him is the easy part. The darkest and most painful days of our lives have came with bringing trauma into our lives and home. We have second hand trauma from living in the chaos mental illness brings. It’s not our son’s fault, not even close. Which makes some of the choices we have to make even harder. My childhood of abuse doesn’t hold a flame to the anguish of the last couple years has brought our family. As a women, your identity to a degree is wrapped up in being a mother, at least it is for me. The nurturer, the safe place, the person that fixes the boo-boos, the one her child runs to when they’ve had a bad dream. But I can’t be that for him and it’s so dang painfully hard. As his mom, my arms should be his safest place and they are actually his scariest place. No matter how much it is explained to him, his basic instinct kick in and his soul screams, ‘moms can’t be trusted.’ Which is ass nine backwards for most of us to comprehend, but his early years taught him it was true at a primal level. So each day; I wake up and still choose him, I choose him over my own selfish needs and wants. I choose to do the hard things over the comfortable things for him. I choose my other children too and place our family as a priority above all else right now. I choose to put on thick skin and fight the clueless people trying to hold us back as we are trying to push forward. Daily I still choose him. We have to leave no stone or mountain unturned in the fight to save our son and hopefully I will have a heart that is at peace of knowing we have done everything within us to give him the life he always deserved and hopefully that life will be something beyond what we ever could have hoped for him. IMG_1391

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