This might just destroy me..and thats okay

All during our training classes we were asked a few times what the child we hoped to have placed with us would look like. I think they ask this question to see if we have realistic understandings of what is to come. Anyways, I can be passive with my words, so I rambled something like, “A young child who needs a place to feel safe and loved.” Because saying anything else would mean my heart was cold, right? But really, the child that I thought I wanted placed with us was a little African American boy. I don’t have a logical reason for that, he’s just who I saw. He is who showed up in my dreams, who my heart always pictured as part of our family’s journey. He’s who I believed would be the first child to walk through our doors through this process. Why, I haven’t a clue, but it was a face I saw over and over. But, honestly we would and did say yes to any child but that’s just who my heart saw. See that’s the funny thing God didn’t have those plans for us, at least not how I saw them, they were mine. He never saw a boy or an african american child for that matter, He saw two little girls, with a sad little past and giant beautiful hearts that would be the first children to steal our hearts and boy did they steal it. Eventually though this little guy that filled my dreams and other amazing beautiful kids would come into our life, just not exactly how I saw it….But is it ever?
At first, before and during the classes I thought I wanted to protect my heart. I wanted to take children into our home and from the beginning remember and live like it was temporary, because, it just might be. I didn’t want to get too attached. I wanted to love them all well and meet all their needs with love. But I wanted to protect my heart, because they may only be here for a moment. Over the past several months I’ve found my giant brick walls have crumbled away when I see these sweet kiddo’s smile or look at the beauty of their BIG gorgeous eyes or hear their giggles or comb some sweet, crazy hair, I see Jesus’ handy work starring back at me. Why would I want to build a wedge between me and them? These sweet babies are bringing me closer to my savior, causing me to fall harder to my knees in prayers. I said it several times before ‘what if a child comes in to our home and we fully become attached? And if I had to watch them leave….it would absolutely destroy me.’
I still agree, because it did and it will be that way always. How could it not be?
Yes, this is all of me. This is where my fears over power me. This is where my wants are obvious for all to see. This is where my plans for my life seem to be the answers to it all. This is where my time is precious. Where my mind wants to say, stop, because I can’t even think about the heart break if these babies have to leave. This is where the trauma from their pasts causes a giant land slide of emotions to come pouring down on our quite little lives. This is where I scream inside, “I freaking need a time out too!” Where I am tempted to say no, because saying yes will be all of me.
But I am so thankful this is not all of me. This is only where I have no more and where Jesus begin. This is where God’s voice whispers, “It’s not about you.” This is where He answers, “You got this”. This is where my bible isn’t just a good book end. This is where we become aware that our home was provided by Him and it’s not our own. This is where little children can learn the meaning of family. This is where we learn and try to love another family that caused the broken hearts in these babies. This is where our faith is needed and through it all, this is where we fall head over heels, completely, madly in love with children that are not our own.
To these Sweet babies who have captivated our hearts so fully. I’ll love you fully and completely. Even if only for a moment, because YOU are worth it.
If you feel led to love on a child for a moment in time or perhaps forever look into fostering, adopting or mentoring in your area. It will change you forever in the most beautiful ways. I promise!

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